Have you ever watched a movie, and been left with the distinct impression that nobody involved in the production cared? That’s pretty much the feeling that’s left when The Warrior and the Sorceress is over. The cinematographers slacked off, the actors seemed bored, the set designers may not have even existed... everyone involved seemed content to do the bare minimum and call it a day.

At first glance, The Warrior and the Sorceress appears to be an epic fantasy, like Conan, Hercules, and their ilk. The movie starts, and we see a vast desert in some exotic land, and prepare for such a treat. Unfortunately, most of the movie takes place in the small town of Yam-a-Tar, which has all the visual splendor of the back alley behind your local supermarket. It’s been slightly doctored-up to look barbaric, but it still feels like a movie staged in someone’s backyard. For an escapist journey, it’s absolutely claustrophobic.

Anyway, David Carradine plays Kain, a mercenary warrior who only sees value in gold. He wanders into Yam-a-Tar, and finds that two rival clans are fighting for control over the lone well. Meanwhile, the city as a whole goes thirsty. After showing his superior ability, Kain announces that his muscle is available to the highest bidder. After all, he’s a heartless mercenary in a brutal world... or not. Despite his requisite stone-cold heart, our warrior is troubled by the unjust distribution of water in the city, and does do something about it. Unfortunately, it just kind of happens, without any sense of grandeur. As an epic fantasy movie, everything the hero does - from sharpening his sword, to taking a leak - should be of extreme importance. Oh, but this movie fails miserably... the dialogue is just flat, and the acting is painful.

On the other hand, maybe that was downplayed in order to show more grand barbarian warrior combat? Sorry, no. There are a scant few bloody fight scenes in this movie, but not nearly enough. Quality does not make up for quantity, either. The fight scenes are confusing and visually quite boring. For a movie called The Warrior and the Sorceress, there’s really not much warring or sorcery going on.

Oh, the sorceress? That’s referring to Naja, the lovely priestess with the ability to forge the Sword of Ura. The sword could be the defining weapon in the power struggle within the city, so Naja refuses to make the sword until a man comes along who is worthy of using it.

Oh yea, Naja’s also topless, for no apparent reason - as is every other woman in this movie. Now, I do think nudity can be a very effective storytelling tool in cinema, as filmmakers such as Paul Verhoeven have shown us. On the other hand, I don’t like it being used to make an otherwise boring movie visually interesting. If you have no talent and just want to make porn, go ahead and do it, just stop pretending you’re a real filmmaker.

The population-wide toplessness only served to hurt the movie even more. Judging by how bad everything else was, you could practically hear the filmmakers saying “God, this movie sucks! We need to think of a way to improve this, and fast... hey, let’s have the women take off their clothes!” Did it have the desired result? Not at all. Even if you’re just a lonely guy looking for a cheap thrill, be forewarned that most of the scenes are so badly composed that the movie isn’t even worthwhile on a visual level. This is when it really sinks in how badly this movie is made - they made topless girls unappealing and boring.

The DVD includes previews for other barbarian movies, as well as the original trailer for the feature film. A gallery of original art is included, though it contains exactly two pictures, one of which is the cover art for the DVD. If you’re interested in the careers of some of the film’s stars, there’s also a brief filmography listing. Not a lot, but more than I was expecting.

I don’t care what movie this was inspired by, or what anyone in it did before or since. This is just a bad movie.